Never will I ever have an empty nest

So in about 45 minutes it will be a new year.

Another year another one of my children grown older I am closer to an empty nest. None of them have yet and hopefully each and everyone of them make the right decisions unlike I did when I was young.

I hope have taught and continue to teach them everything they need to survive on their own. However I have one thing that alot of parents dont have. There are alot of families that have this same feeling I have. And it can be a happy thought or a thought of sadness knowing that one of your children or more will never be able to leave the nest. Some of us have Autistic children that can survive on their own and be able to make it in this world.

However, some of us have those children who cannot function on their own

they are not aware of danger, have no basic skills and always have to have someone by their side. I am one of those mothers who will never have an empty nest. I prayed long and hard wondering if one day my son will ever be functional enough to live without regressing back into 2 years in the past. However the past 3 years have taught be something.

I never took care of my health, I have alot of issues that i disregard or put on the back burner until they are in dire straight of medical attention. I smoke a pack a day, I sleep a few hours a night and I binge on junk food in the middle of the night. It scares me and its hard to change these bad habits even knowing that I myself need to try and outlive my children because of my son. Im almost 36 years old and going into my 60s it feels like.

There are days when I feel so tired and just want to give up.

I cant though because I have someone who will always depend on me. So I wanted to write this blog because I know there are alot of parents out there tonight who feel the same way I do or are actually living the way I know I will be living soon. When I was young I ran around alot, went out with my friends, worked several jobs until I was over worked and just didnt think that I would ever have anything to worry about when I was old. I thought that hey when they are 18 I will have the house to myself and then Ill be able to sleep and do the things I want to do. But that day will most likely never come.

You should never say never and maybe by some miracle they find out what causes autism and maybe something that can reverse it and make a childs brain functional in areas that its not.

But honestly lets be real.

We have waiting for hundreds of years for a cure for cancer and only a few cancers are completely curable and thats not 100 percent.

Also we have to look at how much percentage of money, time and effort into finding what causes autism, how to stop the epidemic and reversing it is looking even more grim. I had to stop and take some time to think about what my life will be like when hes 18, 25 and 30. I have watched vlogs and read many blogs by parents of adults with autism and honestly I am scared to death. Will I be strong enough to handle it, will it overpower me.

I have to admit things right now scare me especially finding out my daughters recent diagnosis. And even though she isn’t as severe as her older brother she is still 2 and just starting to show regression and some of the behaviors he is. So imagining that I will not only have 1 never leaving but 2 sends me into a panic attack.

I still pray every single day my son finds the things he needs to function and my daughter does regress anymore and that my life will be like every other parent when their children leave the nest.

Of course I want to be able to sit and wait for grandchildren to come visit. I know that I will have all this either way. But its hard thinking of raising your child past the age when they are supposed to be spreading their wings. Its hard imagining having to still bathe my child, deal with therapy, getting him dressed and helping him with basic things like eating and going to the bathroom. It honestly makes me sad.

Then I also think that I have something very special that only us parents that have autistic children or adults. We have that awesome smile, we have that world that is open to everything. We always get to see and feel the happiness when our children learn new things. So we have things to look forward to all our life.

We get to continue to see accomplishments and also we get to be by their side everyday instead of just when they feel like coming over. We always feel that since of being depended upon and when all the children leave the nest alot of parents go on vacation and get all their energy out and then when the party is over they are left with an empty home and sadness fills the walls.

However I have something that they dont have

and that is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. So to the parents of children or adults who depend on us and will for the rest of their lives. Its not so bad Not having an empty nest because we get to see everything in our children every single day!

 

Happy new year everyone!!

Christina

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